Can Purell be used as lube?
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
Randomize
