Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
