Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I can't put those talents on a resume
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
