ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
