just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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