we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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