Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
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