I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
