I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
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