I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Randomize
