I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
