I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Just took my morning after pill in the library
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Randomize
