grandma shit on top of the toilet
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize
