woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
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