I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Randomize
