phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
