How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
Randomize
