I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
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