remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
Randomize
