oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Randomize
