There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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