Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
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