I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Is that strawberry winking at me??
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
