Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
my nose is crying tears of wow.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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