Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Randomize
