Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
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