the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
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