My room smells like vodka and shame
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Randomize
