My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
