so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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