I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
Randomize
