That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
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