I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize
