I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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