i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
