roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
tequila makes me forget i have legs
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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