I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
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