His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
Randomize
