there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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