New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Randomize
