Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
