your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Randomize
