I can text with my tongue
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
