Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
My pussy is not your playground.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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