I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
