I must be too annoying 4 u.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Randomize
