Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
