It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Drake has all the answers
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Randomize
