dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
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