Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
